Wednesday, May 5, 2010

FUCKHOO NEWS: Obese baby found dead, cut out of crib

A morbidly obese 22 month old baby was found dead in his crib on Tuesday morning. Charlie Ringwort's 165 pound body had to be removed from his crib via special tools and a saw that firemen had on location. The child was then air lifted to hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival.

Charlie's mother, Allie Ringwort, called 911 when she went to feed her son in the early morning hours and found him unconscious and not breathing. Unable to administer CPR, the panicked mother sought emergency help, only to have stalled paramedics helpless to get the infant's body out of the crib upon arrival. "He was so tight in there that his folds were seeping through the spaces between the bars of the crib. I haven't seen anything like it. It was sad as hell" explains Lisa Smith, one of the paramedics called to the crib. It wasn't until 45 minutes had passed that the crew was able to retrieve Charlie and send him up in the helicopter.

Upon further investigation, it appears as though Charlie had lived in his crib for the past four months, from around the time he was 120 pounds and his single mother, herself morbidly obese, was unable to lift him out of the crib. It was from the crib that Charlie lived his last four months of life.

Police have not released the statements of Allie Ringwort herself, but a friend who stopped by the house on occasion says that Ringwort would change her son's diapers from his crib and bring him food like 12-pack chicken nuggets, pop, and jumbo marshmallows whenever he demanded it, which was often. "He was constantly screaming for more food from his crib" says the anonymous friend. "The only words he knew were food words. He didn't even have a proper soother, he sucked on sour soothers from the convenience store." It also appears that Charlie had no desire to crawl or walk.

"Whether he wanted to crawl or walk is not the question" says Dr. Kathleen Dellburn, a pediatric physician who sees obese children every day. "It's whether this child was physically able to carry his weight, which is highly unlikely." At 120 pounds, the size of a healthy adult female, a child of 22 months would not have had the muscle mass or developed bone structure to support that kind of weight. All Charlie would have been able to do was sit or lie down in one place, and once his weight became an issue for his mother, she simply left him to dwell, and literally grow into, his crib. "It's unfortunate that I see this kind of thing more often than not" says Dr. Dellburn, herself obese. "I have my own obese children but they have an active lifestyle and attend their school phys-ed class every day."

Allie Ringwort has been detained and may be charged with severe child neglect or even abuse. News reports have portrayed the teary eyed mother as doing everything she could for her son. Coroners are still ruling out obesity as the main cause of Charlie's death. Although the child suffered hypertension and a severe case of diaper rash, it is believed that he died from SIDS, or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, which can affect children even up to the age of 2 years old and seems to be a random occurrence. Parents can protect against SIDS by putting their children to sleep on their backs and avoiding the use of pillows and fluffy blankets.

For more information on SIDS, please contact the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths, linked below.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fuckhoo Breaking News: Hot Girls Don't have a Chance Anymore

Here’s one for the brunettes! And every other boring, average, plain-jane down to earth boring betty out there. The balances have finally tipped, and Congratulations, you’re more likely to get chosen by the man of your dreams if you’re a boring betty. Researchers aren’t sure if it’s because plain girls are just more attractive, or if hot blondes have finally ruined it for themselves permanently. One researcher suspects it’s actually the men. “Guys just want a nice, wholesome girlfriend these days. They’re tired of hot chicks who will rock their world” says Dr. Heatherington, a doctor of sociology and a dumb blonde joke-lover. This news comes as a relief to the gazillion boring bettys out there who were beginning to hate pretty girls. It’s alright, plain janes. You’ve got one up on them.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

5 Annoying Things DOGS Do on Facebook

This is in retaliation to this dumb article and this dumb article.

1. Dogs get their own profiles. Really? Does a dog deserve his/her own Facebook profile, or even a Facebook fan page?

2. Dogs put their own photo as up as their owner's profile picture. That is very misleading!

3. Dogs receive WAY more compliments in the photo comment section than most people get! It's true. You put a beautiful photo of yourself up and you expect to get a ton of comments. Kind of a downer when the next photo over of YOUR DOG with his leg in the air gets more comments than your photo gets. Kind of defeats the purpose of putting photos up.

4. Dogs act like they don't even care how great hey are. Dogs give off a false modesty. They know they're getting attention and they act like they care more about that ball over there than they do about all the human admiration.

5. Dogs never get tagged in embarrassing photos. When Bogart was drunk at the Lake, did the photos end up on Facebook? No. When Edgar pooped on the grass did that turd end up in the newsfeed? Nope. When Lindsay was in heat over the weekend at the deck party, did everyone just forget? What the hell? Own up, dogs. We all have to suffer through embarrassing tags, you should too.

Too many dogs behave this way on Facebook. How can they expect to be taken seriously or garner respect in the canine world if they're acting like puppies? Dogs, we suggest you treat Facebook like you would a resume or a post-secondary school application -- the world is not just a big dog park for you to run around free and unleashed in.

*This entire article can be substituted for babies and small kids.