Monday, October 13, 2008
With thanksgiving season just around the corner (or today), Fuckhoo News offers 6 savvy tips to keep you and your family healthy this year if you are eating turkey for dinner:
1. Don’t wash your turkey in the crapper. It may seem logical and convenient, but washing your turkey in the crapper could pose a harmful risk to your health and your loved ones. Turkeys washed in the crapper easily collect bacteria, e coli, and microscopic traces of fece, which defeats the purpose of washing the turkey. Although it may require more clean-up in your kitchen after, Fuckhoo recommends washing your turkey in the sink.
2. Don’t play football with your turkey. The impulse to run with your turkey and punt it may be to the point of overwhelment, especially if all your male relatives are cheering you on with beer mugs and horn party hats. But Fuckhoo cautions that playing football with your turkey could cause dirt from your shoes and the field to be ground into the turkey and in turn, spoil your thanksgiving dinner. If you really want to play football with a turkey, Fuckhoo suggests buying a dinner turkey and a spare turkey for punts.
3. Don’t boink your turkey. With the plethora of STDs out there on the market, does Fuckhoo really have to tell you what sticking your manhood in the turkey might do? Having sexual relations with your turkey may release the bloodborne diseases that you harbor into the meat of the turkey and infect all those who eat it. If you want to fuck something, fuck a pumpkin pie and then eat it yourself after – do not serve it to others and expect them to eat it with a smiling face.
4. Don’t use your turkey as a well-bucket. We understand that turkeys are hollow and afford a lot of space to hold water that you may be collecting from a well; however, using your turkey as a well-bucket before cooking if for thanksgiving could pose quite a danger. It could collect all kinds of mites and critters on the way down, and not to mention, turkeys need to be refrigerated and a well is not a refrigerator, even though it is cold.
5. Don’t dip your turkey in plutonic fluid. Although it may be tempting to see what happens, eating a neon turkey is not worth the risk of contamination your body will undoubtedly receive from it. If you happen to consume neon turkey that has been contaminated with radiation, call poison control and then dig yourself a hole in case they don’t get there in time. Because your flesh will begin to burn off, and being in the dirt will cushion that effect, rather than having it burn off with oxygen and room temperatures.
6. Do not try to grow other turkeys by planting your turkey in a pile of dirt. Please do not go to the trouble of planting your turkey in the hopes that it will sprout other new, fresh turkeys for next year’s thanksgiving dinner. This is simply an old wives tale and baffles us every time we hear the dozens of accounts of people actually trying this and then going on to cook the turkey after it has been uprooted. If you put your turkey in the dirt and leave it there, not only will it begin to rot and attract maggots, it will not yield baby turkeys! Trust us.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
A word of advice from those who love you here at Fuckhoo News: Don't take your boyfriend to Sex and the City. That show/movie is not for men, and it is unfair to subject them to a full feature length of it. It's the kind of movie you rent with your girlfriends, just like pornos are the types of movies he watches with his buddies.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Here at Fuckhoo News, our researchers have come up with 5 things you and your partner can do to get you prepared for pregnancy.
1. Take off your clothes. Not that you necessarily need to do that to get pregnant, but you at least need to have an exit and entry hole for the penis. Taking off all your clothes is a good way to ensure the penis reaches the vagina with few snags along the way.
2. Lube up your vag. Buy whatever you need to to get your vag ready for a long night of fucking. Let's not kid ourselves, your pussy may be up against more than a week's worth of repeated fucks to fertilize that egg, and that tends to make your pussy dry. So, watch some TV, get some good information from the commercials they have on TV for lube, and go and invest in some good lube to last you for a good month (or a year if you don't get pregnant easily).
3. Guys, get some good porn. We know you love your wives and you are attracted to the mother of your future baby, but come on, this is some serious fucking we're talking about. You have to be He-Man during this critical period and you can't do that without a lot of tits and ass and vicarious cock to look at. This is IT - this is the BIG BANG of sex, and you gotta be prepared with dynamite pornography if you wanna create that baby.
4. Lose the condom. In case you were born yesterday, don't use condoms if you wanna have a baby. You may be He-Man and your cock may be a power sword but your sperm have enough to worry about in that burning vagina than be subject to a great wall of latex. Leave the condoms in the drawer and then next week transfer them to the glove compartment for all the hookers you'll be doing while your wife is a living Bundt cake for the next 9 months.
5. Ladies, stop fucking around. Girls - if you wanna have a baby with your man and not with the neighbour, you'd better smarten up and stop being a slut. Fuckhoo recommends not fucking anybody but your husband while you are trying to bear his child. Unless of course your neighbor has better genes than your husband. Then you might wanna keep fucking him and hope that the baby has blue eyes and not brown ones like Jeff the neighbor who decends from Africa where all genes are in a perfect state of being.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
We know how much the tired old pick-up tactics used on women at the bar are working these days, and let's face it, pulling on a girl's hair like you're in Grade 2 might be a better strategy than the one you're currently using. So we at Fuckhoo News have 3 exciting new pick-up tricks that are full of creativity and will be sure to intrigue whoever that special woman is you are trying to pick up.
1. Kick her butt. Don't do it hard, but give her ass a firm tap with the toe of your shoe. Do it from a few feet away, so that she turns around and isn't sure at first of who kicked her butt. Once she realizes it's you, take full responsibility for the butt kick and act like she's lucky you chose her ass to kick. And then tell her you're from Langley, BC. And mean it.
2. Trip her. If the butt kick doesn't work, try and trip her when you're sitting at your table and she's walking by. If you trip her you will for sure gain her attention, and she might even fall right into your lap!
3. Throw a lemon at her head. If all else fails, throw a lemon wedge from your drink right at her head. Try to aim so that it slaps her cheek and explodes all over her face on impact. This one is the magic weapon to use if all else fails.
Good luck with your pick-up pursuits men!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
1. Call your husband every half hour to make sure he’s not with a woman.
2. Only wear sweatsuits, blouses, and the most unsexual clothing you can find so that your husband knows you’ve only got eyes for him. If you can, try to get chubby so that other gentlemen don’t hit on you and threaten your marriage. (*Don’t get too fat. Then your hubby won’t even want to touch you)
3. Join a book club. If you’re reading a good book, your mind will be off cock and away from affair territory. Plus you can talk to your husband about the characters and evoke conversation.
4. Have a date-night once a week. Go out for dinner and a movie, and get one of your leggy 15 year old babysitters to watch the kids. Let your husband choose the babysitter. And the movie.
5. Fake orgasm with your husband as much as you can. If he feels he’s satisfying you, it’s less likely he’ll feel the need to satisfy another human being.
6. Give birth to a baby. It bonds you forever and often saves marriages when nothing else works.
7. On birthdays or special occasions, give your husband some vouchers for a hooker or the massage parlor down the street. Prostitute sex is not an affair. if you’re uncomfortable giving him this, then just turn a blind eye. He’ll think you’re really cool if you do it though. Again, prostitute sex is not an affair.
8. Divorce your husband. Not being married is the best way to affair-proof your marriage.
Fuckhoo News knows how expensive movies are and how it's usually not worth it. So we have some cost-cutting tips to bring out the best of your movie experience for the least amount of buck.
1. Sneak food into the theatre.
If you bring your own food, you'll save money on the overpriced crap they sell at the theatre, plus you can bring in stuff they don't have, like KFC. If you want to bring in the whole bucket of KFC, just be careful and make sure you conceal it in a backpack or something that is large enough to fit a cardboard bucket in. Beware, however, because sometimes the ushers ask to look inside your sac. But you can also hide your 7-11 candy in your purse and put your coffee/soda in your inside jacket pockets.
2. Fix your own double feature
If you want a 2 for 1, pay for one movie, and then when the movie is over, go into another theatre where they are showing another film.
3. Don't go to the movies.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Fuckhoo News knows the dieting dangers out there, and we offer 8 dieting tips that novice dieters may want to follow if they do not want to die from their diet.
1. Don't not eat anything
2. Don't not eat anything
3. Don't not eat anything
4. Don't not eat anything
5. Don't not eat anything
6. Don't not eat anything
7. Don't not eat anything
8. Don't not eat anything
You might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee if you don't eat anything! Watchout!