Monday, November 16, 2009

Fuckhoo Relationship Advice: How To Talk So He Will Listen

based on this dumb article
and this dumb movie

MSuckyN has done it again. They’ve pissed us off enough to write a retaliation article. Well, actually we went sniffing around their shit because we felt like writing some smartass relationship advice for all the loser couples out there. You know who you are. You know you’re half of one. You have a house with a bunch of gold hued pier 1 décor. You bead and knit while he plays on the computer. You spoon in bed but never fuck. You both go to work/school every day. Your only saving grace is that you’re dead now from the ghosts who possessed your house (lucky they chose you to fuck with– god knows why, you’re so boring).

So we at Fuckhoo News have come up with some brilliant ways for you to talk to the man in your life since his eyes are glued to the screen and you’re so boring he never wants to listen to you/ talk to you.

1. Stare Him Downsyndrome

Stare that retard in the face until he has no option but to look into your piercing eyes and address your lack of security with whatever issue is chafing your bat cave of a crack at the given moment. Not pulling his weight around the house? Put your face in between his eyes and his online poker flush and order him to sweep the beads from under your craft table. Not wanting to talk marriage? Put your glowing red devil possessed eyes in between that dumb ass’s dumb mug and the dumb book he’s reading by some dumb pro athlete or scuffed up rocker and demand that you share an open marriage. Doesn’t like your friends? Put your fucking horned beast laser head in between his spoon position and your spoon position (without turning your body around) and threaten to stab him with a knife if he doesn’t agree to burn in Hell with you and Regan on the weekend.

2. Cut the Cheese

Make him a cheese platter. Bring it to the computer, complete with sandwich pickles, maybe some crackers and other shit from the crisper, a little date rape drug in a decanter of cab sav. Make him feel like he’s at a real poker game with special service. Then, talk as slow as you can in your deep possessed voice and catch his attention in as threatening a way as possible. If he doesn’t notice you or is too into the cheese, slip him the date rape and then talk to his levitating unconscious body about how you killed your boss. When he wakes up he’ll forget all about it and now you can get frustrated to the point of demonic rage. This is a good excuse to smack him around with your chandelier moving powers.

3. Let him know you need to vent

You’re a possessed body now, which means that you’re half vapor. You need to vent yourself out. You need to travel under cracked doors and blow under blankets and vent up and around his saggy groin regions. If he has a problem with this, maybe he shouldn’t be dating a ghost magnet. You can let him know you need to vent by traveling up one nostril and out the other. Only when you’re driving past a graveyard though. If he holds his breath, tell him how stupid he is for believing in old wives tales and grab the wheel if need be. He’ll breathe a sigh of relief when he dodges that tombstone and that is your chance to evaporate up is nose and through his bones and boney head and dense boner (if he has one, which he probably does since he’s a necropheliac now).

4. Stroke his ego
And by ego, we mean penis. And by stroke, we mean ghostfuck this motherfucker. Nothin like fuckin a ghost. Fuckhoo knows this. If he seems too far gone with terror, bring him back to pleasure by strangling him a little bit with his dickey turtleneck. Pull whatever sadistic catatonic positions you can to get this guy to do what you want. Want him to come out with your crowd demons? Tell him your demon friends will treat him the same way in multiples. Men are full of testosterone, which means they can’t use their brains properly. But ghosts are full of swirling ectoplasm that will make your guy feel important that he and his dick are participating in such a disembodied spirit.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Tips For Tipping At Starbucks

The following is a tipping How-To for coffee buyers and café frequenters alike, usable at all Starbucks locations and other coffee shops around the city.

1. Pick up some worthless change (ie, pennies, nickels, dimes) out of your wallet and hold it in your hand while you make your order, without letting the barista see or hear.

2. Pay for your order with cash from your other hand

3. Hide the crappy change with your middle finger, ring finger, and pinky finger, grasping it tightly, so that the barista can’t see it. (This might be tricky and need a little practice over a pretend tip jar at home).

4. Take the change from the barista with your same hand, but using your thumb and index finger instead.
***IMPORTANT – make sure the exchange takes place over the tip jar. Your hand should be right over the tip jar/mug or very near to it.***

5. Now here’s the switch. You gotta be quick. Right after the barista hands you the change, grasp it with your thumb and index finger, and don’t let go of it. Instead, release your pinky, ring, and middle finger and let the crappy change you were hiding in your fist jangle into the tip jar. Be careful not to miss the tip jar, or you’ll spill pennies and the crap change on the counter and your secret will be all over the place. The point of this trick is to make the barista think they’re getting the loonie or quarters they just handed you as change. You can make them think this with a little practice and agility. I’ve saved a lot of money to buy other coffees this way.

Do’s & Don’ts

*DO watch out for the jangle. When you’re hiding the crappy change in your 3 fisted fingers, don’t let it jangle. Pretend there is only air there.

*DO use nickels. They work good. The more nickels you have, the better. Most people who have ever received tips in a jar know the difference between a dime hitting a pile of change and a quarter hitting a pile of change by the sound it makes. Nickels work best because they resemble quarters in jangle, but you’re only losing 5 cents a pop. If you can only use pennies and/or dimes, make sure you have a whole whop of them to throw in the jar, so that the worthlessness of the change is disguised by many jangles.

*DON’T attempt this practice if the tip jar/mug is empty. It will be obvious to the barista what you are throwing in if it it’s empty.

*DO use coffee cards, credit cards, and debit cards as much as possible. This will avoid you having to tip altogether. Most baristas don’t expect or hope for a tip when you pay with plastic.

*DO have a few frequented Starbucks’ locations to go to if you are practicing this method of tipping. This shouldn’t be difficult with the number of Starbucks’ around, and it’s important to do because if you hit the same Starbucks all the time, baristas will catch on. If they expect that you are tipping them but notice there is never anything good in their tip jar, then they’ll eventually learn what you are doing and they won’t be happy about it. Spreading yourself out allows them to forget about you between visits.

*DON’T stress. Tipping should be fun. If you don’t get it the first few times, don’t give up. There are many Starbucks to practice at, and they have a high turnover so the barista you fucked up in front of probably isn’t going to see you fuck up twice. Enjoy your Starbucks experience and appreciate the people who made your coffee with what little you can spare.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Validator of the World found - Not God!

The person who has been validating everything out there in your life has finally been found, and it's not God, as everyone expected.

It's that person on your Facebook page you always check out not because you are truly friends with them or really like them, but out of sheer curiosity and desire to compare your own life to theirs in the hopes that your life is going better.

"It's interesting that it turned out to be that idiot from Facebook, because people tend to believe they are validated by something higher than themselves, whether it be God, politicians, celebrities, the police, or whatever," explains behavioral psychologist Dave Kellburn. "But what people often fail to see is that when we compare ourselves to other idiots on social networking sites, we are using them to validate our existence. In using people more like ourselves, we are evening out the validation playing field, which is actually a good thing."

This comes as no surprise to Facebook. The entity has known for a long time that the idiot on your Friends list is replacing God as the mighty validator for many people in the world, and it is perfectly fine with that. In fact, Facebook is a lot more efficient and organized than Religion, which is why it may be a better provider of validators than originally thought by researchers.

"Facebook is more humanitarian than religion is," explains Kellburn. "Instead of answering prayers with vague insight and charlatan chicken scratch, Facebook answers people's problems and feelings of lack with Google Ads." And it is very knowing. It pays close attention to the needs of its askers and sends google ads according to what insecurities require validation for each person. These ads, in turn, provide members with a real solution to their insecurities, and it's as easy as a mouse click.

Facebook is so enthusiastic to be replacing Religion, in fact, that it is working with a team of experts to formulate an application that measures validation.

"Basically, at any given time you can check on your validation meter to see how you compare to other Facebook members. There will be many measures of success in the areas of monetary wealth, property owned, bodily weight, cute offspring, and relationships" explains Margaret Mern, application executive at Facebook headquarters.

"You will be assigned a number on the meter, and from that you will be able to set reasonable goals and always know your validation by where you stand on the validation meter. Google ads will always be by your side to offer you clickable solutions to help increase your validation. It's like the new Bible!"

Facebook is more than pleased to be putting together a measure of validation, because humans already behave as though one exists. To finally put a number to it will provide thousands of members with a tangible gauge from which to base their self worth.

The Validation Meter will be downloadable in Early 2010, just in time for New Years resolutions.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Stripper poles now allowed in pageants

It's been a controversial issue for a while amongst pageant insiders, judges, and competitors all over the United States and bordering neighbors, Canada and Mexico.

Starting in 2005 with a request from 4-year old Sophia Clarkman's mother, Jane Clarkman, to include "talent poles" within segments of nationwide beauty competitions, the hot topic has suddenly become all the rage, literally, among players of the child pageantry world.

Clarkman, 35, brought the issue forward to John Hughson, pageant director of the yearly Teeny Queen Jewel pageant, when her daughter Sophia was refused the right to perform her talent segment of the Teeny Queen back in June of 2005. She had entered the competition with her talent being "baton twirling." It was soon revealed that little Sophia's baton twirling was the 4 year-old literally twirling around a giant baton, ie pole, when Sophia stepped onto stage, to the horror of shocked audience members and parents alike.

A dumbfounded little Sophia and her portable pole were quickly escorted off the stage and disqualified from the competition.

Since then, Clarkman and a noteworthy following of supporters have fought to allow talent poles into mainstream competition.

"My daughter has an acrobatic talent that just happens to be doing tricks around a pole. It has nothing to do with stripping," she tells media reporters.

Other parents seem to disagree, as Sophia Clarkman has since been labeled "Little Miss Strip Tease," "Stripper Whore Supreme," and "Slut" amongst fellow competitors and national pageant goers. She became a youtube phenomenon for an afternoon in July of 2006 when her mother uploaded a home video of her twisting around on the basement pole. The provocative video was removed by administrators shortly after.

"I wonder what that little girl has been watching and where her mother has taken her," said Gordon Bootlik, father of three pageant champions with titles in Texas, Arizona, and California. He claims with stout conviction that Sophia had all the moves of any typical stripper in any club, including splits, platform boots, and private part rubbing in front of the audience. "She did not rub her clit, how can you rub your clit with latex pants on? It's called a cartwheel," stated Clarkman, who seems to have gotten used to the accusations.

Upon investigation, it seems as though Sophia Clarkman did in fact, rub her privates in her infamous stripper pole routine. “She did rub her privates in the routine,” says the parent of the home video. “I started taping it because I wanted to have something this controversial on tape, to hopefully get her kicked out.” The clip shows Sophia doing a cartwheel and finishing it off with a crotch rub. In fact, she does it 3 times throughout the short-lived routine. Her mother tells reporters it was a Michael Jackson routine, and she was only doing an impression, and indeed, Sophia was dancing to the song “Bad,” as confirmed by the video tape.

Sophia, now 9 years old, is still dancing on poles, and better than ever.

"She just loves to dance, loves to move her body, and loves to be the hottest, like all the other girls, don't let them kid you," exclaims Clarkman. "They're all just jealous that they can't spin as well as my girl, or have never tried because their mommies won't let them. Sophia can do the bridge, the straight leg grip, everything really, because her body is so young and flexible."

To date, 41 parents have removed their children from pageants that Sophia Clarkman has competed in with or without her pole, and are continuing to boycott pageants that have recently allowed the controversial dance props into competition.

This year, beauty pageants in 10 states and Quebec will be accepting talent poles into competition, along with a good hard set of rules pertaining to the new artistic medium. Competitors will not be allowed to remove any clothing during their performance (that includes gloves, hair ties, and hats); they may only do scissor splits and not straddle witch splits; and they are by no means allowed to use the stripper pole for any pageant segments other than the talent segment.

"Allowing girls to do this in their swimsuits would be a big no-no," exclaimed Hughson, who was against the idea of the talent pole at first but has warmed up to it, after seeing all the new talent that it continues to bring forth. " I understand the concern, but it is completely separate from sexuality. These are kids we're talking about, and they are void of any sexuality at this age."

So much so that even the tots in the 2-and-under are allowed poles in their routines, so long as they can walk.

Says Hughson, "toddlers can toddle around the pole, yes. If that is their talent, that is their talent."

Mariam Maxwell is a past and current judge of both adult and child beauty pageants. She has been judging pageants for 23 years. She is also a mother of her own two beauty queens, one of who still actively competes.

Maxwell is overjoyed at the new rule change.

"I was a stripper for 6 years in college. I did it for the same reason every other girl I worked with did it - because we loved it. I have a stripper pole in my bedroom and I am proud of it, my husband loves it. We are a stripper family. I am completely supportive of the new introduction and I am supportive of the families who have fought hard for it. Whether their daughters become doctors or strippers makes no difference to me. This is a part of our evolution as females, we need to be able to express ourselves as feels right for us."

As for little Sophia Clarkman, whose breasts are now in full development, only time will tell if this child is on the path to stardom or stripperdom. One thing's for sure, she has a bold future ahead of her.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Gifts For Your First Valentines Together

IN RESPONSE TO MSN's Valentines Day Gift Ideas for a New Relationship

Valentines Day can be an awkward time of year, especially if you are a newly blossoming couple who haven't exchanged "I hate you's" yet. Fuckhoo has come up with a few helpful solutions for gifts to throw at your new flame and keep it burning this Valentines day.

1. Cook an Aphrodisiac Meal.
Why book a reservation at a second rate restaurant when you could cook dinner for your loved one in the comfort of your cozy sexnest? Not only is it a fun activity the two of you can do naked together, you can also experiment with kitchen utensils. Ever used a spatula? Wooden spoon? Whisk? A baster? Pepper mill? Cheese grater? Vegetable peeler? Paring knife? Meat pounder? Rolling pin? Meat thermometer? Knife sharpener? Mortar and pestle? Magic bullet? Panini maker? Food processer? Pizza slicer? All of these and everything else in your kitchen, you can experiment with on each-others' bodies as well as in them. Once you have your utensils warmed up, it's time to cook! Fuckhoo suggests eating foods that get your sexual juices flowing, also known as aphrodisiacs. These foods include pussies and dick, pussies and dick, pussies and dick, and rum balls.

2. Show Them You've Been Watching
If you are new to a relationship, a good way to get to know your partner on a deeper level is to spy on them when they're not looking. It's easy to do if you are their girlfriend or boyfriend, and they will never suspect that you were actually peeping at them from their closet while you were "out for a smoke." When you're hiding in the bathtub while she is changing her tampon, check to see what brand of feminine hygene she uses. Fuckhoo recommends buying her a box of Tampax Pearl for her next period. Girls, when spying on your man, Fuckhoo strongly suggests that you also snoop through his personal belongings to find out what kind of sport or porn he likes. If he likes both, why not get him this ?

3. Sniff The Flower Down The Garden Path To Sex
Flowers are never taboo. Unlike children, animals, and babies, flowers are a wonderful sex gift. For something super-soft and anal friendly, buy your man a stick of pussy willows. For her, get something that resembles her beautiful vagina, like orchids.

4. Don't Forget The Furry Friend.
Make sure to get her something she can slide up her pussy. Fuckhoo reccomends the following toys:
EZ Rider Fuck Ball
Joy Finger
The Fist
Parachute Ball Stretcher (for him)
Nanny Cam (for all of you)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Fuckhoo Featured Ad: Andrew Dick

Fuckhoo found this ad in a coffee news flyer. Not much for exposure. If you're ready to make a move, Mr. Dick can help you out. If you want to sell your cartoon house, this mobile specialist will give you expert advice.