Monday, July 9, 2012

Lube shooters become club trend

Vancouver nightclubs have been taken over by a new kind of shooter. Eighteen year-olds are ordering them. Bachelorettes are ordering them. Everyone is ordering them. Lube shots.

Get ordered a Slippery Ripple and expect it to be somewhat literal. "They've practically replaced Jagar Bombs this summer. It's weird doing inventory and having to account for bottles of lube" says Sara, a bartender at Celebrities in Vancouver's West End. A Slippery Ripple is an aberrant concoction consisting of Butterscotch Schnapps and, you guessed it, raspberry flavored personal lubricant.

"They're actually quite good, kind of like Jello shooters" explains Sara as she demonstrates how the shot is made. The toffee colored schnapps is poured three quarters of the way into the shot glass, and the remaining quarter is filled to the brim with raspberry lube. The lube sinks down into the liquid and forms a gelatinous layer at the bottom that greases up the throat as it is swallowed by the drinker.

"It's all the rage. I think it's because of the sexuality that's attached to it. It's kind of become this reference to a blowjob. Like dudes will order each other this shot and it's code for 'lets go for a blowjob after this' kind of thing."

It all started off in swingers clubs where personal lubrication is practically a stocked item in the bar well. "We were just fooling around one day talking about how good lube flavors are and why aren't there liquors as good as lube" jokes Jason Leeks, owner of Club Eve in Surrey, BC. "Then we got the lubes out and started experimenting during an orgy. We came up with so many combinations."

With flavors like mint, tangerine, cherry, chocolate, vanilla, and even coffee, the lube shots being invented by the day seem endless. "People are even doing it at home, with their own lubes. Mixing like a Sour Puss with a warming cinnamon lube. It just gets you slippery and it's kinda good" Leeks explains. There's even a shot called the Pre-cum made with Grey Goose vodka, unflavored lube, and a dash of sea salt.

Health concerns? Not really. Most lubes on the market are edible and pose no health risk. Of course you wouldn't want to overdo it. "I don't know what happens if you drink too much lube" laughs Sara. "I imagine it might act as a bit of a suppository. It's great for a sore throat though!"

Monday, May 9, 2011

Wish-Come-True Foundation grants 15-year old his wish to sleep with a porn star

The Wish-Come-True Foundation is under enormous pressure this week to reverse a decision it has made to grant 15-year old cancer patient Cole Haleman the wish to have sex with a porn star of his choice before he succumbs to terminal illness. The media is up in arms about it, and it seems rightfully so. The young sufferer has not yet reached the age of consent, and the highly regarded charity risks facing charges as an accessory to statutory rape, if in fact the wish comes true.

Bill Tullman, head of the Wish-Come-True Foundation, has sided with the boy and his decision, and has put his own head on the chopping block with an offer to resign if in fact Wish-Come-True is taken to court. "I know the direction this is all going, but I've also known Cole since his first bout of cancer as an 11 year old" says the vehement father figure. "I've never seen a kid so badly want to just be normal. He practically shunned his cancer the entire time he had it, refused to make a wish for three years, even refused treatment for a long time until his parents overrode his decision. He kept up all his normal activities through chemo, won a skateboard championship, and now he has one single request. It's not a desperate request or a joke. It's more just what he would truly wish for if he were a normal 15-year old boy. I'm supporting it. I tried to talk him out of it a couple times but he's also the most stubborn person I've ever met."

Cole's cancer is stubborn too. Suffering a stage IV nephroblastoma, Cole has had four surgeries in his abdomen and a kidney removed in 2008. He received a donor kidney from his 18-year old brother, Michael, a year ago. His prognosis is poor. His doctors have given him about 6 months to live, which is added urgency on the foundation's part to materialize Cole's wish. "I'm fine with his wish, and I'm going to stay supportive of my brother in whatever he wants," proclaims Michael Haleman. "He doesn't have much longer to live. He's a virgin. He doesn't want to die a virgin."

Those not supportive of Cole's entry into manhood run a strong current. Robert Dolf, head of Cherrywood Films, one of the biggest adult film companies in America, wants no part in the cancer wish. The busy producer has been dealing with Wish-Come-True for nearly six months, since the foundation first approached him about lending them one of his starlets, Morgan D Saddleback, a busty, blond 26-year old actress with over 80 adult films under her belt.

"I guess the kid watched a lot of sex from his sickbed and wanted Morgan D," states Dolf. Refusing to sign anything, Dolf excused any involvement with Wish-Come-True, even bilking personal pleas from Bill Tullman that included a buy-out. "I'm protecting the interests of my company and my girls," explained Dolf from his neat and tidy third floor office. "I hope the kid gets his wish but I don't want any part of it. There's a million porn companies out there, go find someone else. Go find someone younger."

That's exactly what Wish-Come-True has done. In an effort to dilute some of the legal scrutiny it might face in the aftermath of the wish, the Foundation went on a cyber hunt for a teen porn star under the age of consent who could not be charged with statutory rape if in fact the wish were fulfilled. "Our ideal candidate was someone under 16," stated Tullman, "that way we wouldn't have to worry about the rape laws of any state." The search was difficult at first, but became easy once the charity found the right websites, mostly ones overseas. "We had no problem finding underage girls, the problem was Cole," adds Tullman. "Like I said, he's stubborn, so he wouldn't settle on anyone amateur or below a certain beauty standard. I know what he wanted, he wanted the typical porn star looking gal, but that's not usually what the 15 year-olds in Japan look like."

Eventually, Cole and his wish granters settled on Ashleigh Belle, a 16-year old independent porn actress from Missouri who was more than delighted to help out. "My little cousin died of cancer, I know what it's like and I can imagine what Cole's going through. I'd love nothing more than to help." So much so, that Ashleigh Belle refused to take the $20,000 payment from Wish-Come-True in exchange for her services. "I don't know why everyone's so mad about this," exclaimed a rather passionate Ashleigh Belle as she blocked scenes for new positions between takes on set for her latest film. "I'm doing this for free. It's cheaper than a trip to Disneyland. Most 15 year olds I know don't want a trip Disneyland, they want to have sex. The poor guy's got nurses touching his dick all day, probably putting catheter's up it and stuff. That's probably torture."

One company wants to film it. When Nightgeist Productions, a small, independent adult film company who worked with Ashleigh Belle on her debut film Whorewolves in 2010, heard of the arrangement, they jumped at the opportunity to capture it. "This is twisted, and it's right up our alley," stated Max Gottlieb when he heard of Ashleigh Belle's latest volunteer gig. "This is something that comes around once in a lifetime that I not only want to film, but should be filmed for the good of humankind. Are you kidding me?" cried the over-zealous German director/producer. "The story of a boy whose only wish is to sleep with a beautiful woman days before his death -- it's an inspiration to all young boys and to all those who are sick and hopeless in their beds. If he doesn't agree to have it filmed we might just have to re-enact it. But I hope he agrees because I think this might cure him!"

Cole Haleman had few comments when asked if he'd agree to having the wish filmed by Lemo and a small porn crew from inside his hospital room. "I guess. I dunno. I don't really care. It's not like I'm going to be around to see it." Fading words for someone so determined to ignore his illness. Wish-Come-True had words though: "No. Absolutely not," exclaimed Tullman. "We're already in the deep as it is, we don't need exploitation tacked onto our bill as well."

Cole's parents had even more of an opinion. "What are they gonna do, show it at his fucking funeral?" yelled his father, Brentt Haleman. Brentt and Brenda Haleman have expressed strong negative views of their son's wish altogether, and if Cole does in fact pass away after partaking in the wish, they have threatened to sue Wish-Come-True on their son's behalf.

"You can't just give your kid whatever they want, even if they're dying. What are they going to do next, let a child murder someone as a fuckin wish? You've got to draw the line somewhere," an angry and distraught Brentt uttered during an interview. "We're going to do everything in our power to not have this wish come true, and given that we are Cole's guardians and that he's sick, we can still control if he has sex or not, and with who. He's just a teenager with raging hormones and probably radiation affecting his brain. He's not himself and is in no condition to make this decision."

The Halemans have community support behind them, and have even started a counter-foundation titled Save Cole that accepts donations to cover Cole's medical bills, and perhaps provide him with a more reasonable wish before his dying day. "He wanted a BMX for a long time. Right now he wouldn't be able to ride it, but we could place it in his hospital room for him to motivate him, things like that. We'd like to get him lots of things, not just a bike" says a teary-eyed Brenda Haleman.

"These Wish-Come-True fuckers, if they'd just given us the twenty grand we could have paid for some of his damn expenses. Or gone to Mexico or something and searched for alternative therapy. But they're withholding it all because Cole refuses to make any other wishes" stated Brentt.

Cole's lawyer, Luke Freeder, who Wish-Come-True hired on Cole's behalf, has been fighting for Cole's wish from the beginning. The prominent lawyer also has about a dozen wealthy investors lined up who are itching to donate to the charity if the wish is fulfilled. When asked why an investor would care that much to see this wish fulfilled, Freeder was tight lipped. "This kid's got rights. As do all kids. That's why I'm representing him. I can't say much more than that if the age of consent were lowered, or even excused under certain circumstances, there'd be a lot happy people out there."

Cole's wish is scheduled to take place on December 24, 2011, one day before christmas. The hospital does not allow anything of the sort within its perimeters, so Wish-Come-True will be using its funds to pay for a bed and a nurse in a private location. For as many angry citizens who oppose the wish, there's an enthusiastic wave of supporters in favor of Cole's sex wish. An especially heavy support presence can be found on the internet forums and social networks. Cole receives thousands of emails a day, none of which he responds to, declaring support and encouragement, even praise for his wish. The emails come from people of all backgrounds and denominations, from other teens, young girls offering sex, cancer survivor veterans, and even a Catholic bishop. Whether or not Cole lives to see the day of his wish is yet to be seen. Many are praying for it, and an equal many are probably not.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The penis is mightier than the blow: 5 reasons why rape is viable tool for wife batterers

Wife beating is a tactic that abusive husbands have used for centuries to control their wives. Beatings have lead to many an argument win, the silence of a voice, and the release of a hard day's built-up anger. But beatings have a dark side. Not only do they show on skin, they are likely to cause deep relationship problems that could end in hospitalization or worse, a manslaughter notch under your belt.

We've come up with five reasons why wife raping can be a valuable device used to avoid some of the above complications, and to add to the complexity of the abuse you've already bestowed upon your wife. Whether you'd prefer to give up hitting for raping altogether; or whether you'd like to add rape to your myriad of abuse tools, (which we highly recommend), we suggest you read the following in consideration of employing rape on your spouse during your next abuse session.

1. Raping gives you more control. As if you didn't have enough already, owning someone's sexuality is the most reliable way of controlling them. There's always room for more control, and as a wife beater you should always be looking for ways of getting more. Repeatedly raping your wife will cause her to lose any sense of freedom and keep her in fear. She will become numb and more likely to do what you threaten. Now is your chance to truly own your spouse. Consensual sex is not owning, it's sharing.

2. Bruises don't show on vaginas. Unless your wife is showing it to half the city (in which case we suggest digging a deeper hole in the backyard), the risk of this kind of abuse getting out to the public is low. We know how it is with traditional beatings - in the passion of the moment you leave your mark on a visible place. That's all fine and dandy for you, but her inability to cover it up with a trembling hand just makes you want to hit her more. Vagina rape leaves virtually no trace. This is the abuse that won't be seen at her work, in the school parking lot, or by her one friend who you want to kill; unless she's fucking her boss in which case you'll take a gun to the entire office.

3. It could produce you a rape child. Rape children are thought to be deep thinkers, possess introspective souls, and exude extremely innocent gazes. They tend to grow up harboring unexplained guilt, notably projected onto them by their victimized mothers. A rape child is in theory a perfect person to follow through beatings on. How satisfying the three course release of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse followed by the sweet dessert of a child's defenseless bottom? Being the product of rape, your rape child would also be a classic target of blame for your own rape actions on your wife. Think of it as an extension of original sin.

4. You orgasm from it. Sure, the feel of your fist on your wife's soft cheek is a good release, there's no denying that. But how about the feel of your pounding husbandry in her clenched vagina? Adding sexual abuse to the pot even affords you the opportunity to beat and rape your wife at the same time, and any healthy wife beater should be finding ways of incorporating abuse into the bedroom.

5. She might orgasm from it. Many women have rape fantasies, and they don't even know it until they've been raped. You could give your wife the gift of rape by someone she loves and possibly fulfill her dreams that she's never told you about. Who knows, she may end up doing more more beat-worthy things to get raped by you more often.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

FUCKHOO NEWS: Obese baby found dead, cut out of crib

A morbidly obese 22 month old baby was found dead in his crib on Tuesday morning. Charlie Ringwort's 165 pound body had to be removed from his crib via special tools and a saw that firemen had on location. The child was then air lifted to hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival.

Charlie's mother, Allie Ringwort, called 911 when she went to feed her son in the early morning hours and found him unconscious and not breathing. Unable to administer CPR, the panicked mother sought emergency help, only to have stalled paramedics helpless to get the infant's body out of the crib upon arrival. "He was so tight in there that his folds were seeping through the spaces between the bars of the crib. I haven't seen anything like it. It was sad as hell" explains Lisa Smith, one of the paramedics called to the crib. It wasn't until 45 minutes had passed that the crew was able to retrieve Charlie and send him up in the helicopter.

Upon further investigation, it appears as though Charlie had lived in his crib for the past four months, from around the time he was 120 pounds and his single mother, herself morbidly obese, was unable to lift him out of the crib. It was from the crib that Charlie lived his last four months of life.

Police have not released the statements of Allie Ringwort herself, but a friend who stopped by the house on occasion says that Ringwort would change her son's diapers from his crib and bring him food like 12-pack chicken nuggets, pop, and jumbo marshmallows whenever he demanded it, which was often. "He was constantly screaming for more food from his crib" says the anonymous friend. "The only words he knew were food words. He didn't even have a proper soother, he sucked on sour soothers from the convenience store." It also appears that Charlie had no desire to crawl or walk.

"Whether he wanted to crawl or walk is not the question" says Dr. Kathleen Dellburn, a pediatric physician who sees obese children every day. "It's whether this child was physically able to carry his weight, which is highly unlikely." At 120 pounds, the size of a healthy adult female, a child of 22 months would not have had the muscle mass or developed bone structure to support that kind of weight. All Charlie would have been able to do was sit or lie down in one place, and once his weight became an issue for his mother, she simply left him to dwell, and literally grow into, his crib. "It's unfortunate that I see this kind of thing more often than not" says Dr. Dellburn, herself obese. "I have my own obese children but they have an active lifestyle and attend their school phys-ed class every day."

Allie Ringwort has been detained and may be charged with severe child neglect or even abuse. News reports have portrayed the teary eyed mother as doing everything she could for her son. Coroners are still ruling out obesity as the main cause of Charlie's death. Although the child suffered hypertension and a severe case of diaper rash, it is believed that he died from SIDS, or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, which can affect children even up to the age of 2 years old and seems to be a random occurrence. Parents can protect against SIDS by putting their children to sleep on their backs and avoiding the use of pillows and fluffy blankets.

For more information on SIDS, please contact the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths, linked below.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fuckhoo Breaking News: Hot Girls Don't have a Chance Anymore

Here’s one for the brunettes! And every other boring, average, plain-jane down to earth boring betty out there. The balances have finally tipped, and Congratulations, you’re more likely to get chosen by the man of your dreams if you’re a boring betty. Researchers aren’t sure if it’s because plain girls are just more attractive, or if hot blondes have finally ruined it for themselves permanently. One researcher suspects it’s actually the men. “Guys just want a nice, wholesome girlfriend these days. They’re tired of hot chicks who will rock their world” says Dr. Heatherington, a doctor of sociology and a dumb blonde joke-lover. This news comes as a relief to the gazillion boring bettys out there who were beginning to hate pretty girls. It’s alright, plain janes. You’ve got one up on them.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

5 Annoying Things DOGS Do on Facebook

This is in retaliation to this dumb article and this dumb article.

1. Dogs get their own profiles. Really? Does a dog deserve his/her own Facebook profile, or even a Facebook fan page?

2. Dogs put their own photo as up as their owner's profile picture. That is very misleading!

3. Dogs receive WAY more compliments in the photo comment section than most people get! It's true. You put a beautiful photo of yourself up and you expect to get a ton of comments. Kind of a downer when the next photo over of YOUR DOG with his leg in the air gets more comments than your photo gets. Kind of defeats the purpose of putting photos up.

4. Dogs act like they don't even care how great hey are. Dogs give off a false modesty. They know they're getting attention and they act like they care more about that ball over there than they do about all the human admiration.

5. Dogs never get tagged in embarrassing photos. When Bogart was drunk at the Lake, did the photos end up on Facebook? No. When Edgar pooped on the grass did that turd end up in the newsfeed? Nope. When Lindsay was in heat over the weekend at the deck party, did everyone just forget? What the hell? Own up, dogs. We all have to suffer through embarrassing tags, you should too.

Too many dogs behave this way on Facebook. How can they expect to be taken seriously or garner respect in the canine world if they're acting like puppies? Dogs, we suggest you treat Facebook like you would a resume or a post-secondary school application -- the world is not just a big dog park for you to run around free and unleashed in.

*This entire article can be substituted for babies and small kids.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Fuckhoo Relationship Advice: How To Talk So He Will Listen

based on this dumb article
and this dumb movie

MSuckyN has done it again. They’ve pissed us off enough to write a retaliation article. Well, actually we went sniffing around their shit because we felt like writing some smartass relationship advice for all the loser couples out there. You know who you are. You know you’re half of one. You have a house with a bunch of gold hued pier 1 d├ęcor. You bead and knit while he plays on the computer. You spoon in bed but never fuck. You both go to work/school every day. Your only saving grace is that you’re dead now from the ghosts who possessed your house (lucky they chose you to fuck with– god knows why, you’re so boring).

So we at Fuckhoo News have come up with some brilliant ways for you to talk to the man in your life since his eyes are glued to the screen and you’re so boring he never wants to listen to you/ talk to you.

1. Stare Him Downsyndrome

Stare that retard in the face until he has no option but to look into your piercing eyes and address your lack of security with whatever issue is chafing your bat cave of a crack at the given moment. Not pulling his weight around the house? Put your face in between his eyes and his online poker flush and order him to sweep the beads from under your craft table. Not wanting to talk marriage? Put your glowing red devil possessed eyes in between that dumb ass’s dumb mug and the dumb book he’s reading by some dumb pro athlete or scuffed up rocker and demand that you share an open marriage. Doesn’t like your friends? Put your fucking horned beast laser head in between his spoon position and your spoon position (without turning your body around) and threaten to stab him with a knife if he doesn’t agree to burn in Hell with you and Regan on the weekend.

2. Cut the Cheese

Make him a cheese platter. Bring it to the computer, complete with sandwich pickles, maybe some crackers and other shit from the crisper, a little date rape drug in a decanter of cab sav. Make him feel like he’s at a real poker game with special service. Then, talk as slow as you can in your deep possessed voice and catch his attention in as threatening a way as possible. If he doesn’t notice you or is too into the cheese, slip him the date rape and then talk to his levitating unconscious body about how you killed your boss. When he wakes up he’ll forget all about it and now you can get frustrated to the point of demonic rage. This is a good excuse to smack him around with your chandelier moving powers.

3. Let him know you need to vent

You’re a possessed body now, which means that you’re half vapor. You need to vent yourself out. You need to travel under cracked doors and blow under blankets and vent up and around his saggy groin regions. If he has a problem with this, maybe he shouldn’t be dating a ghost magnet. You can let him know you need to vent by traveling up one nostril and out the other. Only when you’re driving past a graveyard though. If he holds his breath, tell him how stupid he is for believing in old wives tales and grab the wheel if need be. He’ll breathe a sigh of relief when he dodges that tombstone and that is your chance to evaporate up is nose and through his bones and boney head and dense boner (if he has one, which he probably does since he’s a necropheliac now).

4. Stroke his ego
And by ego, we mean penis. And by stroke, we mean ghostfuck this motherfucker. Nothin like fuckin a ghost. Fuckhoo knows this. If he seems too far gone with terror, bring him back to pleasure by strangling him a little bit with his dickey turtleneck. Pull whatever sadistic catatonic positions you can to get this guy to do what you want. Want him to come out with your crowd demons? Tell him your demon friends will treat him the same way in multiples. Men are full of testosterone, which means they can’t use their brains properly. But ghosts are full of swirling ectoplasm that will make your guy feel important that he and his dick are participating in such a disembodied spirit.