Tuesday, September 30, 2008
We know how much the tired old pick-up tactics used on women at the bar are working these days, and let's face it, pulling on a girl's hair like you're in Grade 2 might be a better strategy than the one you're currently using. So we at Fuckhoo News have 3 exciting new pick-up tricks that are full of creativity and will be sure to intrigue whoever that special woman is you are trying to pick up.
1. Kick her butt. Don't do it hard, but give her ass a firm tap with the toe of your shoe. Do it from a few feet away, so that she turns around and isn't sure at first of who kicked her butt. Once she realizes it's you, take full responsibility for the butt kick and act like she's lucky you chose her ass to kick. And then tell her you're from Langley, BC. And mean it.
2. Trip her. If the butt kick doesn't work, try and trip her when you're sitting at your table and she's walking by. If you trip her you will for sure gain her attention, and she might even fall right into your lap!
3. Throw a lemon at her head. If all else fails, throw a lemon wedge from your drink right at her head. Try to aim so that it slaps her cheek and explodes all over her face on impact. This one is the magic weapon to use if all else fails.
Good luck with your pick-up pursuits men!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
1. Call your husband every half hour to make sure he’s not with a woman.
2. Only wear sweatsuits, blouses, and the most unsexual clothing you can find so that your husband knows you’ve only got eyes for him. If you can, try to get chubby so that other gentlemen don’t hit on you and threaten your marriage. (*Don’t get too fat. Then your hubby won’t even want to touch you)
3. Join a book club. If you’re reading a good book, your mind will be off cock and away from affair territory. Plus you can talk to your husband about the characters and evoke conversation.
4. Have a date-night once a week. Go out for dinner and a movie, and get one of your leggy 15 year old babysitters to watch the kids. Let your husband choose the babysitter. And the movie.
5. Fake orgasm with your husband as much as you can. If he feels he’s satisfying you, it’s less likely he’ll feel the need to satisfy another human being.
6. Give birth to a baby. It bonds you forever and often saves marriages when nothing else works.
7. On birthdays or special occasions, give your husband some vouchers for a hooker or the massage parlor down the street. Prostitute sex is not an affair. if you’re uncomfortable giving him this, then just turn a blind eye. He’ll think you’re really cool if you do it though. Again, prostitute sex is not an affair.
8. Divorce your husband. Not being married is the best way to affair-proof your marriage.
Fuckhoo News knows how expensive movies are and how it's usually not worth it. So we have some cost-cutting tips to bring out the best of your movie experience for the least amount of buck.
1. Sneak food into the theatre.
If you bring your own food, you'll save money on the overpriced crap they sell at the theatre, plus you can bring in stuff they don't have, like KFC. If you want to bring in the whole bucket of KFC, just be careful and make sure you conceal it in a backpack or something that is large enough to fit a cardboard bucket in. Beware, however, because sometimes the ushers ask to look inside your sac. But you can also hide your 7-11 candy in your purse and put your coffee/soda in your inside jacket pockets.
2. Fix your own double feature
If you want a 2 for 1, pay for one movie, and then when the movie is over, go into another theatre where they are showing another film.
3. Don't go to the movies.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Fuckhoo News knows the dieting dangers out there, and we offer 8 dieting tips that novice dieters may want to follow if they do not want to die from their diet.
1. Don't not eat anything
2. Don't not eat anything
3. Don't not eat anything
4. Don't not eat anything
5. Don't not eat anything
6. Don't not eat anything
7. Don't not eat anything
8. Don't not eat anything
You might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee if you don't eat anything! Watchout!