Lube shooters become club trend

Vancouver nightclubs have been taken over by a new kind of shooter. Eighteen year-olds are ordering them. Bachelorettes are ordering them. Everyone is ordering them. Lube shots.

Get ordered a Slippery Ripple and expect it to be somewhat literal. "They've practically replaced Jagar Bombs this summer. It's weird doing inventory and having to account for bottles of lube" says Sara, a bartender at Celebrities in Vancouver's West End. A Slippery Ripple is an aberrant concoction consisting of Butterscotch Schnapps and, you guessed it, raspberry flavored personal lubricant.

"They're actually quite good, kind of like Jello shooters" explains Sara as she demonstrates how the shot is made. The toffee colored schnapps is poured three quarters of the way into the shot glass, and the remaining quarter is filled to the brim with raspberry lube. The lube sinks down into the liquid and forms a gelatinous layer at the bottom that greases up the throat as it is swallowed by the drinker.

"It's all the rage. I think it's because of the sexuality that's attached to it. It's kind of become this reference to a blowjob. Like dudes will order each other this shot and it's code for 'lets go for a blowjob after this' kind of thing."

It all started off in swingers clubs where personal lubrication is practically a stocked item in the bar well. "We were just fooling around one day talking about how good lube flavors are and why aren't there liquors as good as lube" jokes Jason Leeks, owner of Club Eve in Surrey, BC. "Then we got the lubes out and started experimenting during an orgy. We came up with so many combinations."

With flavors like mint, tangerine, cherry, chocolate, vanilla, and even coffee, the lube shots being invented by the day seem endless. "People are even doing it at home, with their own lubes. Mixing like a Sour Puss with a warming cinnamon lube. It just gets you slippery and it's kinda good" Leeks explains. There's even a shot called the Pre-cum made with Grey Goose vodka, unflavored lube, and a dash of sea salt.

Health concerns? Not really. Most lubes on the market are edible and pose no health risk. Of course you wouldn't want to overdo it. "I don't know what happens if you drink too much lube" laughs Sara. "I imagine it might act as a bit of a suppository. It's great for a sore throat though!"

Wish-Come-True Foundation grants 15-year old his wish to sleep with a porn star

The Wish-Come-True Foundation is under enormous pressure this week to reverse a decision it has made to grant 15-year old cancer patient Cole Haleman the wish to have sex with a porn star of his choice before he succumbs to terminal illness. The media is up in arms about it, and it seems rightfully so. The young sufferer has not yet reached the age of consent, and the highly regarded charity risks facing charges as an accessory to statutory rape, if in fact the wish comes true.

Bill Tullman, head of the Wish-Come-True Foundation, has sided with the boy and his decision, and has put his own head on the chopping block with an offer to resign if in fact Wish-Come-True is taken to court. "I know the direction this is all going, but I've also known Cole since his first bout of cancer as an 11 year old" says the vehement father figure. "I've never seen a kid so badly want to just be normal. He practically shunned his cancer the entire time he had it, refused to make a wish for three years, even refused treatment for a long time until his parents overrode his decision. He kept up all his normal activities through chemo, won a skateboard championship, and now he has one single request. It's not a desperate request or a joke. It's more just what he would truly wish for if he were a normal 15-year old boy. I'm supporting it. I tried to talk him out of it a couple times but he's also the most stubborn person I've ever met."

Cole's cancer is stubborn too. Suffering a stage IV nephroblastoma, Cole has had four surgeries in his abdomen and a kidney removed in 2008. He received a donor kidney from his 18-year old brother, Michael, a year ago. His prognosis is poor. His doctors have given him about 6 months to live, which is added urgency on the foundation's part to materialize Cole's wish. "I'm fine with his wish, and I'm going to stay supportive of my brother in whatever he wants," proclaims Michael Haleman. "He doesn't have much longer to live. He's a virgin. He doesn't want to die a virgin."

Those not supportive of Cole's entry into manhood run a strong current. Robert Dolf, head of Cherrywood Films, one of the biggest adult film companies in America, wants no part in the cancer wish. The busy producer has been dealing with Wish-Come-True for nearly six months, since the foundation first approached him about lending them one of his starlets, Morgan D Saddleback, a busty, blond 26-year old actress with over 80 adult films under her belt.

"I guess the kid watched a lot of sex from his sickbed and wanted Morgan D," states Dolf. Refusing to sign anything, Dolf excused any involvement with Wish-Come-True, even bilking personal pleas from Bill Tullman that included a buy-out. "I'm protecting the interests of my company and my girls," explained Dolf from his neat and tidy third floor office. "I hope the kid gets his wish but I don't want any part of it. There's a million porn companies out there, go find someone else. Go find someone younger."

That's exactly what Wish-Come-True has done. In an effort to dilute some of the legal scrutiny it might face in the aftermath of the wish, the Foundation went on a cyber hunt for a teen porn star under the age of consent who could not be charged with statutory rape if in fact the wish were fulfilled. "Our ideal candidate was someone under 16," stated Tullman, "that way we wouldn't have to worry about the rape laws of any state." The search was difficult at first, but became easy once the charity found the right websites, mostly ones overseas. "We had no problem finding underage girls, the problem was Cole," adds Tullman. "Like I said, he's stubborn, so he wouldn't settle on anyone amateur or below a certain beauty standard. I know what he wanted, he wanted the typical porn star looking gal, but that's not usually what the 15 year-olds in Japan look like."

Eventually, Cole and his wish granters settled on Ashleigh Belle, a 16-year old independent porn actress from Missouri who was more than delighted to help out. "My little cousin died of cancer, I know what it's like and I can imagine what Cole's going through. I'd love nothing more than to help." So much so, that Ashleigh Belle refused to take the $20,000 payment from Wish-Come-True in exchange for her services. "I don't know why everyone's so mad about this," exclaimed a rather passionate Ashleigh Belle as she blocked scenes for new positions between takes on set for her latest film. "I'm doing this for free. It's cheaper than a trip to Disneyland. Most 15 year olds I know don't want a trip Disneyland, they want to have sex. The poor guy's got nurses touching his dick all day, probably putting catheter's up it and stuff. That's probably torture."

One company wants to film it. When Nightgeist Productions, a small, independent adult film company who worked with Ashleigh Belle on her debut film Whorewolves in 2010, heard of the arrangement, they jumped at the opportunity to capture it. "This is twisted, and it's right up our alley," stated Max Gottlieb when he heard of Ashleigh Belle's latest volunteer gig. "This is something that comes around once in a lifetime that I not only want to film, but should be filmed for the good of humankind. Are you kidding me?" cried the over-zealous German director/producer. "The story of a boy whose only wish is to sleep with a beautiful woman days before his death -- it's an inspiration to all young boys and to all those who are sick and hopeless in their beds. If he doesn't agree to have it filmed we might just have to re-enact it. But I hope he agrees because I think this might cure him!"

Cole Haleman had few comments when asked if he'd agree to having the wish filmed by Lemo and a small porn crew from inside his hospital room. "I guess. I dunno. I don't really care. It's not like I'm going to be around to see it." Fading words for someone so determined to ignore his illness. Wish-Come-True had words though: "No. Absolutely not," exclaimed Tullman. "We're already in the deep as it is, we don't need exploitation tacked onto our bill as well."

Cole's parents had even more of an opinion. "What are they gonna do, show it at his fucking funeral?" yelled his father, Brentt Haleman. Brentt and Brenda Haleman have expressed strong negative views of their son's wish altogether, and if Cole does in fact pass away after partaking in the wish, they have threatened to sue Wish-Come-True on their son's behalf.

"You can't just give your kid whatever they want, even if they're dying. What are they going to do next, let a child murder someone as a fuckin wish? You've got to draw the line somewhere," an angry and distraught Brentt uttered during an interview. "We're going to do everything in our power to not have this wish come true, and given that we are Cole's guardians and that he's sick, we can still control if he has sex or not, and with who. He's just a teenager with raging hormones and probably radiation affecting his brain. He's not himself and is in no condition to make this decision."

The Halemans have community support behind them, and have even started a counter-foundation titled Save Cole that accepts donations to cover Cole's medical bills, and perhaps provide him with a more reasonable wish before his dying day. "He wanted a BMX for a long time. Right now he wouldn't be able to ride it, but we could place it in his hospital room for him to motivate him, things like that. We'd like to get him lots of things, not just a bike" says a teary-eyed Brenda Haleman.

"These Wish-Come-True fuckers, if they'd just given us the twenty grand we could have paid for some of his damn expenses. Or gone to Mexico or something and searched for alternative therapy. But they're withholding it all because Cole refuses to make any other wishes" stated Brentt.

Cole's lawyer, Luke Freeder, who Wish-Come-True hired on Cole's behalf, has been fighting for Cole's wish from the beginning. The prominent lawyer also has about a dozen wealthy investors lined up who are itching to donate to the charity if the wish is fulfilled. When asked why an investor would care that much to see this wish fulfilled, Freeder was tight lipped. "This kid's got rights. As do all kids. That's why I'm representing him. I can't say much more than that if the age of consent were lowered, or even excused under certain circumstances, there'd be a lot happy people out there."

Cole's wish is scheduled to take place on December 24, 2011, one day before christmas. The hospital does not allow anything of the sort within its perimeters, so Wish-Come-True will be using its funds to pay for a bed and a nurse in a private location. For as many angry citizens who oppose the wish, there's an enthusiastic wave of supporters in favor of Cole's sex wish. An especially heavy support presence can be found on the internet forums and social networks. Cole receives thousands of emails a day, none of which he responds to, declaring support and encouragement, even praise for his wish. The emails come from people of all backgrounds and denominations, from other teens, young girls offering sex, cancer survivor veterans, and even a Catholic bishop. Whether or not Cole lives to see the day of his wish is yet to be seen. Many are praying for it, and an equal many are probably not.

5 Annoying Things DOGS Do on Facebook

This is in retaliation to this dumb article and this dumb article.

1. Dogs get their own profiles. Really? Does a dog deserve his/her own Facebook profile, or even a Facebook fan page?

2. Dogs put their own photo as up as their owner's profile picture. That is very misleading!

3. Dogs receive WAY more compliments in the photo comment section than most people get! It's true. You put a beautiful photo of yourself up and you expect to get a ton of comments. Kind of a downer when the next photo over of YOUR DOG with his leg in the air gets more comments than your photo gets. Kind of defeats the purpose of putting photos up.

4. Dogs act like they don't even care how great hey are. Dogs give off a false modesty. They know they're getting attention and they act like they care more about that ball over there than they do about all the human admiration.

5. Dogs never get tagged in embarrassing photos. When Bogart was drunk at the Lake, did the photos end up on Facebook? No. When Edgar pooped on the grass did that turd end up in the newsfeed? Nope. When Lindsay was in heat over the weekend at the deck party, did everyone just forget? What the hell? Own up, dogs. We all have to suffer through embarrassing tags, you should too.

Too many dogs behave this way on Facebook. How can they expect to be taken seriously or garner respect in the canine world if they're acting like puppies? Dogs, we suggest you treat Facebook like you would a resume or a post-secondary school application -- the world is not just a big dog park for you to run around free and unleashed in.



*This entire article can be substituted for babies and small kids.

Tips For Tipping At Starbucks

The following is a tipping How-To for coffee buyers and café frequenters alike, usable at all Starbucks locations and other coffee shops around the city.

1. Pick up some worthless change (ie, pennies, nickels, dimes) out of your wallet and hold it in your hand while you make your order, without letting the barista see or hear.


2. Pay for your order with cash from your other hand

3. Hide the crappy change with your middle finger, ring finger, and pinky finger, grasping it tightly, so that the barista can’t see it. (This might be tricky and need a little practice over a pretend tip jar at home).



4. Take the change from the barista with your same hand, but using your thumb and index finger instead.
***IMPORTANT – make sure the exchange takes place over the tip jar. Your hand should be right over the tip jar/mug or very near to it.***



5. Now here’s the switch. You gotta be quick. Right after the barista hands you the change, grasp it with your thumb and index finger, and don’t let go of it. Instead, release your pinky, ring, and middle finger and let the crappy change you were hiding in your fist jangle into the tip jar. Be careful not to miss the tip jar, or you’ll spill pennies and the crap change on the counter and your secret will be all over the place. The point of this trick is to make the barista think they’re getting the loonie or quarters they just handed you as change. You can make them think this with a little practice and agility. I’ve saved a lot of money to buy other coffees this way.



Do’s & Don’ts

*DO watch out for the jangle. When you’re hiding the crappy change in your 3 fisted fingers, don’t let it jangle. Pretend there is only air there.

*DO use nickels. They work good. The more nickels you have, the better. Most people who have ever received tips in a jar know the difference between a dime hitting a pile of change and a quarter hitting a pile of change by the sound it makes. Nickels work best because they resemble quarters in jangle, but you’re only losing 5 cents a pop. If you can only use pennies and/or dimes, make sure you have a whole whop of them to throw in the jar, so that the worthlessness of the change is disguised by many jangles.

*DON’T attempt this practice if the tip jar/mug is empty. It will be obvious to the barista what you are throwing in if it it’s empty.

*DO use coffee cards, credit cards, and debit cards as much as possible. This will avoid you having to tip altogether. Most baristas don’t expect or hope for a tip when you pay with plastic.

*DO have a few frequented Starbucks’ locations to go to if you are practicing this method of tipping. This shouldn’t be difficult with the number of Starbucks’ around, and it’s important to do because if you hit the same Starbucks all the time, baristas will catch on. If they expect that you are tipping them but notice there is never anything good in their tip jar, then they’ll eventually learn what you are doing and they won’t be happy about it. Spreading yourself out allows them to forget about you between visits.

*DON’T stress. Tipping should be fun. If you don’t get it the first few times, don’t give up. There are many Starbucks to practice at, and they have a high turnover so the barista you fucked up in front of probably isn’t going to see you fuck up twice. Enjoy your Starbucks experience and appreciate the people who made your coffee with what little you can spare.

Validator of the World found - Not God!

The person who has been validating everything out there in your life has finally been found, and it's not God, as everyone expected.

It's that person on your Facebook page you always check out not because you are truly friends with them or really like them, but out of sheer curiosity and desire to compare your own life to theirs in the hopes that your life is going better.

"It's interesting that it turned out to be that idiot from Facebook, because people tend to believe they are validated by something higher than themselves, whether it be God, politicians, celebrities, the police, or whatever," explains behavioral psychologist Dave Kellburn. "But what people often fail to see is that when we compare ourselves to other idiots on social networking sites, we are using them to validate our existence. In using people more like ourselves, we are evening out the validation playing field, which is actually a good thing."

This comes as no surprise to Facebook. The entity has known for a long time that the idiot on your Friends list is replacing God as the mighty validator for many people in the world, and it is perfectly fine with that. In fact, Facebook is a lot more efficient and organized than Religion, which is why it may be a better provider of validators than originally thought by researchers.

"Facebook is more humanitarian than religion is," explains Kellburn. "Instead of answering prayers with vague insight and charlatan chicken scratch, Facebook answers people's problems and feelings of lack with Google Ads." And it is very knowing. It pays close attention to the needs of its askers and sends google ads according to what insecurities require validation for each person. These ads, in turn, provide members with a real solution to their insecurities, and it's as easy as a mouse click.

Facebook is so enthusiastic to be replacing Religion, in fact, that it is working with a team of experts to formulate an application that measures validation.

"Basically, at any given time you can check on your validation meter to see how you compare to other Facebook members. There will be many measures of success in the areas of monetary wealth, property owned, bodily weight, cute offspring, and relationships" explains Margaret Mern, application executive at Facebook headquarters.

"You will be assigned a number on the meter, and from that you will be able to set reasonable goals and always know your validation by where you stand on the validation meter. Google ads will always be by your side to offer you clickable solutions to help increase your validation. It's like the new Bible!"

Facebook is more than pleased to be putting together a measure of validation, because humans already behave as though one exists. To finally put a number to it will provide thousands of members with a tangible gauge from which to base their self worth.

The Validation Meter will be downloadable in Early 2010, just in time for New Years resolutions.