Monday, November 16, 2009

Fuckhoo Relationship Advice: How To Talk So He Will Listen

based on this dumb article
and this dumb movie

MSuckyN has done it again. They’ve pissed us off enough to write a retaliation article. Well, actually we went sniffing around their shit because we felt like writing some smartass relationship advice for all the loser couples out there. You know who you are. You know you’re half of one. You have a house with a bunch of gold hued pier 1 décor. You bead and knit while he plays on the computer. You spoon in bed but never fuck. You both go to work/school every day. Your only saving grace is that you’re dead now from the ghosts who possessed your house (lucky they chose you to fuck with– god knows why, you’re so boring).

So we at Fuckhoo News have come up with some brilliant ways for you to talk to the man in your life since his eyes are glued to the screen and you’re so boring he never wants to listen to you/ talk to you.

1. Stare Him Downsyndrome

Stare that retard in the face until he has no option but to look into your piercing eyes and address your lack of security with whatever issue is chafing your bat cave of a crack at the given moment. Not pulling his weight around the house? Put your face in between his eyes and his online poker flush and order him to sweep the beads from under your craft table. Not wanting to talk marriage? Put your glowing red devil possessed eyes in between that dumb ass’s dumb mug and the dumb book he’s reading by some dumb pro athlete or scuffed up rocker and demand that you share an open marriage. Doesn’t like your friends? Put your fucking horned beast laser head in between his spoon position and your spoon position (without turning your body around) and threaten to stab him with a knife if he doesn’t agree to burn in Hell with you and Regan on the weekend.

2. Cut the Cheese

Make him a cheese platter. Bring it to the computer, complete with sandwich pickles, maybe some crackers and other shit from the crisper, a little date rape drug in a decanter of cab sav. Make him feel like he’s at a real poker game with special service. Then, talk as slow as you can in your deep possessed voice and catch his attention in as threatening a way as possible. If he doesn’t notice you or is too into the cheese, slip him the date rape and then talk to his levitating unconscious body about how you killed your boss. When he wakes up he’ll forget all about it and now you can get frustrated to the point of demonic rage. This is a good excuse to smack him around with your chandelier moving powers.

3. Let him know you need to vent

You’re a possessed body now, which means that you’re half vapor. You need to vent yourself out. You need to travel under cracked doors and blow under blankets and vent up and around his saggy groin regions. If he has a problem with this, maybe he shouldn’t be dating a ghost magnet. You can let him know you need to vent by traveling up one nostril and out the other. Only when you’re driving past a graveyard though. If he holds his breath, tell him how stupid he is for believing in old wives tales and grab the wheel if need be. He’ll breathe a sigh of relief when he dodges that tombstone and that is your chance to evaporate up is nose and through his bones and boney head and dense boner (if he has one, which he probably does since he’s a necropheliac now).

4. Stroke his ego
And by ego, we mean penis. And by stroke, we mean ghostfuck this motherfucker. Nothin like fuckin a ghost. Fuckhoo knows this. If he seems too far gone with terror, bring him back to pleasure by strangling him a little bit with his dickey turtleneck. Pull whatever sadistic catatonic positions you can to get this guy to do what you want. Want him to come out with your crowd demons? Tell him your demon friends will treat him the same way in multiples. Men are full of testosterone, which means they can’t use their brains properly. But ghosts are full of swirling ectoplasm that will make your guy feel important that he and his dick are participating in such a disembodied spirit.

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