Monday, October 13, 2008

Fuckhoo News: 6 Ways to Prevent Contaminated Turkey

With thanksgiving season just around the corner (or today), Fuckhoo News offers 6 savvy tips to keep you and your family healthy this year if you are eating turkey for dinner:

1. Don’t wash your turkey in the crapper. It may seem logical and convenient, but washing your turkey in the crapper could pose a harmful risk to your health and your loved ones. Turkeys washed in the crapper easily collect bacteria, e coli, and microscopic traces of fece, which defeats the purpose of washing the turkey. Although it may require more clean-up in your kitchen after, Fuckhoo recommends washing your turkey in the sink.

2. Don’t play football with your turkey. The impulse to run with your turkey and punt it may be to the point of overwhelment, especially if all your male relatives are cheering you on with beer mugs and horn party hats. But Fuckhoo cautions that playing football with your turkey could cause dirt from your shoes and the field to be ground into the turkey and in turn, spoil your thanksgiving dinner. If you really want to play football with a turkey, Fuckhoo suggests buying a dinner turkey and a spare turkey for punts.

3. Don’t boink your turkey. With the plethora of STDs out there on the market, does Fuckhoo really have to tell you what sticking your manhood in the turkey might do? Having sexual relations with your turkey may release the bloodborne diseases that you harbor into the meat of the turkey and infect all those who eat it. If you want to fuck something, fuck a pumpkin pie and then eat it yourself after – do not serve it to others and expect them to eat it with a smiling face.

4. Don’t use your turkey as a well-bucket. We understand that turkeys are hollow and afford a lot of space to hold water that you may be collecting from a well; however, using your turkey as a well-bucket before cooking if for thanksgiving could pose quite a danger. It could collect all kinds of mites and critters on the way down, and not to mention, turkeys need to be refrigerated and a well is not a refrigerator, even though it is cold.

5. Don’t dip your turkey in plutonic fluid. Although it may be tempting to see what happens, eating a neon turkey is not worth the risk of contamination your body will undoubtedly receive from it. If you happen to consume neon turkey that has been contaminated with radiation, call poison control and then dig yourself a hole in case they don’t get there in time. Because your flesh will begin to burn off, and being in the dirt will cushion that effect, rather than having it burn off with oxygen and room temperatures.

6. Do not try to grow other turkeys by planting your turkey in a pile of dirt. Please do not go to the trouble of planting your turkey in the hopes that it will sprout other new, fresh turkeys for next year’s thanksgiving dinner. This is simply an old wives tale and baffles us every time we hear the dozens of accounts of people actually trying this and then going on to cook the turkey after it has been uprooted. If you put your turkey in the dirt and leave it there, not only will it begin to rot and attract maggots, it will not yield baby turkeys! Trust us.

1 comment:

MTBWAYNE said...

I tell Poro bout point 3. even though he like to be the turkey cook for last 11 years, and laugh about all the basting, it will ruin his thanksgivng but save on us hearing ervy year him running around sayng he is mastr bastr.
Also, turkeys dont grow in the ground but they do become a pest when they eat the spagetti bushes, i heared. and Poro found out last year stuffing a turkey is easier when they are dead. i hope you have a good dinner